To be loved

 To be loved means to be seen as existing. 

My friend Ruchi had shared a clip from Thich Nhat Hanh's interview being conducted by Oprah Winfrey in which I heard these words for the first time. It was a couple of years ago. 

As soon as I heard him say this my whole world sort of lit up. 

I have always struggled with the idea of love. I have never found a satisfactory answer from people who claim or who I have known to be in love. I have had this conversation with Ruchi also and I don't know if this in any way contributed to her sending me this particular message but despite our discussions on purpose, authenticity, love, karma- I have my doubts.

Well, anyway.

So back to love. I think I was set on this search for meaning of love, quite unwittingly by my younger sister. We were small kids in a village in Himachal Pradesh living the life that could only be imagined via Blyton's books. One day after being scolded by either of the parents she went on to stand on the extended ledge of out double storied house. I went after her and she asked me, "Why do we have to love our parents?"

I don't remember my answer but I am sure it must have been something related to being duty bound. But this set me out on a quest to define what it is to actually love. I went to college and then to study at the varsity. Met people at various stages of attraction, but still the big L eluded me. 

I never went seeking it for myself maybe that's why. I always was an amused by-stander. My room mate at the university was a typical case. Completely, madly and thoroughly in love with a classmate of hers from school who had been selected to serve in the Army. I saw him knitting woollens for him and cry into her pillow when they were unable to speak on the phone for weeks altogether. I tried to understand from her what it made her feel- this love of hers for this guy. Did not get much from her and if she had said something during her teary hiccup-y intervals I might not have decoded it. Love dressed as infatuation is something that I found very interesting. Every second day, it could be a thrill! You could unabashedly dream on about the lethal mix that was of your own choosing.

In between I saw some power play while staying in a working womens' hostel and was told that this was also love. By then I had become distracted with my work and was thoroughly enjoying life as only a young professional could in the capital city with a bunch of girlfriends (one crazier than the other). A suitable match was found and this stint, the capital and the research- I left it all behind. I wasn't much concerned with love by now. 

Married life with its ho-hum and drudgery engulfed years before the idea of seeking love resurfaced. Mind you, this time it wasn't just for research. This time I wanted to be loved but of course the problem remained with figuring out the what and how and why. 

How was I to know that I am loved?

Why should I be loved?

What does it feel like to be loved?

For years nothing happened and then one day this video reached me, The moment I heard Thaya (Vieitnamese for teacher) say these words- To be loved means to be seen existing- my whole world was shaken. I think I unconsciously began to examine people in my life then, to decipher who actually saw me. I began to think of who had since that point in time accepted me for how I saw or knew myself. Of course friends and family were put under scrutiny unawares. I became very conscious of who wanted to change me with a pre-conceived notion of what I should be- as a person, as a wife, as a mother, as a daughter, a daughter-in-law. 

I had always been a rebel without a cause but this time it seemed that I had found my just cause for rebelling against set standards and notions. I began to love myself and would now allow only that to matter. People who made me dislike, disapprove of myself were mostly on their way out. People who respected me for what I am- and I think I know to an extent what that is and how nice it is- were to get drenched in this love. 

I hope my cause leads me from strength to strength and this I can teach my children to remember and apply to their lives and the lives of others who they encounter.