Quantifying grief

-
When you don't know how to cope up with grief, you innovate to take your mind off it. Death is an entirely new sort of shock to my system. I did not know how to react to it. I cried. It came naturally. But I did not cry for the gone one but for those whom he left behind.

I tried quantities when his voice rang in my ears.
I counted the people who came.
Then I counted those who wailed louder.
Then those who sniffled.
Then the ones who repeatedly wiped their dry eyes.
Then those who averted their gaze.
Then the few who had words to offer and those who did not pretend to empathise.
Then the ones who were well-versed with the hollowness that death of a son leaves in its wake.
I counted the ones who caught up with friends, exchanged news, had their tea and went their way.

I counted the number of paper cups we disposed off.
I counted the number of meals we consumed.
I counted the trips I made to the market.
I counted the number of faces that instantly aged.
I counted the hearts that were pierced.

I counted many more things these past few days but I could not count the tears his father did not shed and the number of times his mother repeated his name in vain.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A Decade of Motherhood: Give in

-
Image
Generally age is counted according to the number of years that you have been on this planet. But then  how do you know what your age is when the role that you are accounting for is a not as old as you? The simple answer would be to say that it would be equal to the number of years you have been in the role.  So, this is one of the most important lessons that I have learnt as a decade old mum. My daughter Netra, more commonly referred to as BhindiSood on social media, was born in 2007. Ah! your eyebrows go up. She bluffs, you think, to keep up with the theme. Dear reader but that is not the case. I might be being generous with myself when I m saying that I am a decade old mummy but I am not really bluffing. I did not (and maybe even now) know how to be a mother to a child who I was desperate to get but knew nothing about raising her for all the unaccounted years in between. But then fear not, this isn't either a self pitying sort of a post nor I intend for it ...
Read more

To, The Enablers

-
Image
तबस्सुम कैसी हो? हम सब यहाँ बिकुल ठीक हैं।आशा है की तुम भी सही सलामत होंगी। आज मैं ये चिट्ठी इसलिए लिख रहि हूँ की तुम्हे बता सकूं की मैं अक्सर तुम्हारे बारे मैं सोचती हूँ। सोचती हूँ अब तुम क्या करती होगी, काम पे जाती हो अब भी? कोई मना तो नहीं करता? सास बच्चे संभाल लेती है तुम्हारे पीछे से? वो तो अब बड़े भी हो गए होंगे न? स्कूल जाते होंगे? मुझे अब कोलकाता मैं रहते हुए ६-७ साल हो गए  हैं। जब चंडीगढ़ से निकले थे तो उम्मीद न थी की इतना समय इस परायी नगरी में निकल जाएगा। नेत्रा को याद करती हो कभी? वो इस साल १२ की हो गयी है। उसे तो तुम्हारी याद नहीं लेकिन आज भी जब वो ज़िद्द करती है की मैं उसे खाना खिला दूँ और मैं बहुत थक गयी होती हूँ, तो झट से तुम्हारी याद आ जाती है। तुम होती तो मुझे चाय का कप पकड़ा कर उसे प्यार से फुसला के ले जाती और खुद ही खिला देती। कहती, "मेरे पास आओ नेत्रा, माँ को रहने दो। आओ मैंने तुम्हारे लिए कुछ स्पेशल रखा है।" कितने सारे अंग्रेजी के नए नए शब्द सीख गयीं थी न तुम. कुछ तो तुम्हारे ख़ास बन गए थे। जैसे बॉय, गर्ल, र...
Read more

Book Review: Maisie Dobbs by Jacqueline Winspear (Maisie Dobbs #1)

-
Image
Maisie Dobbs by Jacqueline Winspear is a historical mystery novel set in London. But don't just head out and get it if you prefer your mysteries or crimes a bit on the stronger, harder, more depraved side. This novel is set after the World War 1 and is a peek into the realities and harshness of a war. Maisie Dobbs starts as a househelpat the Belgravia Mansion which belongs to the Comptons. But thats not where the book starts. The book opens in the year 1929, with Maisie setting up her detective agency and a man approaching her to investigate if his wife is having an affair. Soon after solving the crime, the book takes us back to the beginnings of Dobbs as a private investigator. We learn about her dexterity at the Belgravia mansion and how the lady of the house Mrs Compton and her friend Maurie Blanche, discover her to be an intelligent girl and decide to mentor her. She goes as far as getting admission in the university but the war breaks out and she enlists as a nurse. Sent to ...
Read more