MellowDrama

a year again has come to pass. i like the fact that my birthday is near the start of a new year. that ways i dnt have trouble chronicling what/how the past year had been. i was thinking about this week last year and what was happening at that time. i was running scared of a woman who was calling up my phone and bad mouthing me. i had gotten two of my burly friends to call her and scare her but she proved too much for those two even and gave them an ear-full as well. the next remarkable thing that happened in this week was our first holiday together as a family to hyderabad. we had never gone anywhere on our own before this. just the three of us, that is. it was an adventure in itself with bookings in a filthy hotel to having booked tickets on a flight a year ahead of our return dates.but all in all, it was good fun and helped take my mind off the mad woman, which had caused many a sleepless nights. the government jaab continued with its ups and downs. an explanation here and there. mee...

what do you do when you dont want to do anything? what do you do when you want to howl and cry? only. what do you do when you know you are in the wrong and want to carry on that way? what do you do when there are things more important that just you are waiting for you to take charge and get done? what do you do when you ask yourself innumerable times whats wrong with me and get no answer? what do you do when exhaustion doesn't bring sleep? when you involuntarily lie awake in your bed thinking about things that you have no control over? what do you do when the past returns to address you?

Aeroplane ------------------- I listen to their sound as they fly above me in the sky that my apartment building owns Listening hard for the noise of one that will bring you over a distance of about 3000 kms It is strange how we became friends over shared journeys Some on which I brought you along And others on which you took me with you Permission was not sought, granted or denied I smile at a certain memory here and At a shared anecdote there, as I look at the lights of the aeroplane That seem to mock at me As yet another flight has taken off some 3000 kms away and landed here Closer to me But you have chosen not to take it In that you have also chosen to stay afar, at a distance That I am unable scale Unable to reason with So that it would let me be with you In that you have chosen to go back to being a stranger And as has been between us Permission was not sought, granted or denied Netra ------------- I marvel at your small little body As you run with...

I don’t know anything other than wriing. This is what I have been doing for the longest time ever. This is what I return to when everything else disappears, leaves me alone. This is what I have been trained to do. This is all I know. This is what I always wanted to do. But I ask myself often why haven’t been doing this if it matters to me so much. I haven’t written in a year or so. Made space for everything but this. Why? Did I not have enough time to do it? Did I not have enough things to write about or did I not care enough for my own self? I think the last one is somewhat true. I hardly ever do things for my own self. Why is it that then I complain? Have I been programmed (in modern day jargon) or destined (in ancient jargon) to comply? Why is it that every thought that I ever have is about another person rather than it being about me myself? And then someone calls me as portraying as the injured, devious. Really? I wanted to tell him good now that you have seen beyond the façade wh...

scraed of the boom in my own voice. i hve become loud. i hardly speak. rather i think i am shouting all the time, even when i am holding a normal conversation. alearned man says that ths agitation is the sign of me being unhappy with my own self. i agree something is exasperating me. driving me up the wall. can't put my finger on to it. but i thought i was at peace. a misgiving may be, now that i am showing signs of fraying at the edges. missing gym might have contributed to it. but i know its not entirely this or that. it is a bit of all the this and that. but what to do? some me-time should help. but i got lot of it this gone weekend owing to the fact that Friday was a holiday and S was saat samundar paar and dear darling daadi was available to look after chun. what is it then, that would heal me? a sumptuous lunch may be?

i love those times in a year when one can freely look back, sum up things and get retrospective. birthdays are one such occasion and the other one is the year enders. like this one. this year for me has been one that brought with it the joys of seeing netra turn in to a chatter box-motor-mouth kid who actually started to behave her age and the naughtiness quotient touched new heights. it has been remarkable in terms of the new things that netra has brought home in the form of never-ever-heard-before nursery rhymes and songs. and we are thankful for them because i can cope with them better than the cockroaches and big black ants, dead and at times alive, that she would often bring like the prized catch. the year has been a good one in terms of work as well. freelanced (still to get paid but what the heck) i hv managed to loose the grumpiness somewhat. managed an outing. a break from the usual suspects. watch a few movies that i had been wanting to see for a while (x-men origins: wolveri...

something's gotta be wrong with me. i have somehow lost the ability to do what i want to, say what i mean, thankfully i still mean what i say (well, almost, ummm...largely). why? i have often asked myself. the answer is not too direct or clear. but it borders around the fact that i have been brought up to believe that if you do anything putting your'self' first you are selfish and you know, being selfish is not a good thing. but of late i have realised that though certain things have stood the test of time hold good even today as they would in 'satyug'. there are things that have changed dramatically. now to teach a child to put herself at the bottom is to take away a lot from her. to train her for a lifetime to put herself and her needs on the backburner. and i dnt think that is fair. mothers and grandmothers are a classic example of this. looking after their families' every need they drive their minds and bodies to a great extent forgetting in turn that they a...