Monday, December 19, 2011

sacrificial lamb post

I don’t know anything other than wriing. This is what I have been doing for the longest time ever. This is what I return to when everything else disappears, leaves me alone. This is what I have been trained to do. This is all I know. This is what I always wanted to do. But I ask myself often why haven’t been doing this if it matters to me so much. I haven’t written in a year or so. Made space for everything but this. Why? Did I not have enough time to do it? Did I not have enough things to write about or did I not care enough for my own self? I think the last one is somewhat true. I hardly ever do things for my own self. Why is it that then I complain? Have I been programmed (in modern day jargon) or destined (in ancient jargon) to comply? Why is it that every thought that I ever have is about another person rather than it being about me myself? And then someone calls me as portraying as the injured, devious. Really? I wanted to tell him good now that you have seen beyond the fa├žade why don’t you get lost somewhere. But then the unforgivable happened and I asked myself whether I am devious, plotting, scheming, manipulative person? The answer is there, but I am not really making he effort to listen to it with all my heart. Why, you may ask. I don’t know. I am trying, half- heartedly though, but I am trying nevertheless.

It is not easy to hear unpleasant things about oneself whence you doubt that they may contain some truth.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

boom boom

scraed of the boom in my own voice. i hve become loud. i hardly speak. rather i think i am shouting all the time, even when i am holding a normal conversation. alearned man says that ths agitation is the sign of me being unhappy with my own self. i agree something is exasperating me. driving me up the wall. can't put my finger on to it.
but i thought i was at peace. a misgiving may be, now that i am showing signs of fraying at the edges.
missing gym might have contributed to it. but i know its not entirely this or that. it is a bit of all the this and that. but what to do?
some me-time should help. but i got lot of it this gone weekend owing to the fact that Friday was a holiday and S was saat samundar paar and dear darling daadi was available to look after chun.
what is it then, that would heal me? a sumptuous lunch may be?