Sunday, July 05, 2009

story so far

a friend says that i am degenerating because i have stopped to write.I have always known, somehow, that i have to write. it is an essential need but i did not know how it was essential until he said to me that i should not stop to write and articulate. when he said this then i realised what my writing did for me. it helped me articulate my being. it helped me understand my self. i wrote diaries and kept journals not because i needed to recird the events of my life but because it made me get in touch with myself. the thing wise people say to look inside yourself- writing did that for me.

then one day i lost myself trying to love another person. it was as if i wnated to blend in to this man so that there could not be two of us but just him. sounds very romantic and all but there was no such intent. it so happened because of the person i am. i tend to love whole heartedly. i get so influenced that i begin to speak the aame language as my love interest and forget myself, my family so very completely taht i become dependent on that love to nurture me.

unfortunately the honeymoon was shortlived....forget it. there wasn't even a honeymoon. i knew it even before it became apparent that i was in a mess of my own creating. as fantastic that person might have been i had somehow sapped him of all his love by demanding it constantly and in generous measures. i also felt sapped in a way that all i had to give and some more had been taken away from me and not even enough was left to sustain my being. and as if that wasn't really enough physical ailments added insult to injury. my illnesses have weighed heavily on the finances and make me feel guilty for not contributing fiscally.

in turn i became divested of all love, kindness, care and humility. i turned to sloth to shield me from seeing my own disintegration. i sleep and i sleep. i do want to wake up and start exercising in the mornings to fit in to some decent clothes for harish's wedding. but i do not.

i do not want to scream at anyone least of all my daughter and my maid. but that i keep constantly doing. i get easily annoyed, exasperated and teary eyed in that very order, all in a matter of five seconds.

i feel lost and i feel not loved. tenz told me that i should be like a coconut try to keep my core intact but i have forgotten who i am. i have lost myself. i need help. i don;t want to fight and argue with my family as if we were two warring sides. i just want to put down this weapon which seems so stuck to my hand that i can't stop it from hurting my loved ones. i want to gather my self back.

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